Dear Queen of England, I am writing today on behalf of your wayward former subjects about a distressing issue that threatens peace and stability not only in our country but also in yours. And, if it pleases your majesty, I believe I have a solution that may benefit both of our peoples.
I would be remiss if I did not begin by addressing the events which gave rise to our current situation. It would seem that one dark night back in December of 1773 a group of masked rioters destroyed some private property in the Boston Harbor as part of a violent left-wing political demonstration. In hindsight, there can be no doubt that these individuals were inspired by a foreign socialist agenda — France!