The very first words out of my mouth this past New Year’s Day were to my wife: “Hey, honey, did you hear about the man who was caught shoplifting a calendar? He got 12 months!”

She laughed. Well, not really. She almost laughed when I followed up my funny with, “You know 2019 seems like only yesterday.”

Please understand that it has always been my belief that the best time to laugh is any time you can. And perhaps there’s no better time than the beginning of a brand spanking new year. 

So, for my first column of 2020 I thought I would try my best to tickle your funny bone with a few silly jokes and cute one-liners. Come on, why not laugh your way into the new year before all that hopelessly depressing and melancholy old news from 2019 catches up with us all? So, smile!

• Have you heard about the latest home surgery kit? It’s called “Suture Self.”

• A teacher asked her class to write an essay about their mother for homework. The next day the teacher found two essays written exactly word for word by twin brothers in the class. 

“Johnny,” the teacher inquired, “how is it you’ve written the exact same essay as your brother, James?” 

“Well, ma’am, the boy replied, “We have the same mother.”

• Epitaph for a hypochondriac: “I told you so.”

• There are two rules for success in life: 1) Don’t tell everything you know and 2) “     .”

• Overheard in the teacher’s lounge: “Some kids drink from the fountain of knowledge; and some just gargle.”

• Statistics show 5 out of 4 people have trouble with math.

• My old job was so bad, I even called in sick on my day off.

 • Prayer for the New Year: “Dear God, my prayer for 2019 was a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix it up again this year.”

• The young sailor had only been in the Navy for a few weeks when he lost his cap and was told by an officer he would have to pay for it. 

“But, Sir, it blew off my head while I was on duty.” 

“Doesn’t matter,” he was told, “Anything you lose in the Navy has to be paid for.” 

“No wonder the captain goes down with the ship,” the sailor replied.

• Women usually claim childbirth is the most painful experience of their lives. That is until they start stepping on Legos about three years later.

• Epitaph on a dentist’s grave: He’s filling his final cavity.

• “I never said you were fat,” claimed the husband. “I just said you were a bit more visible.”

• “You know,” the woman told her doctor, “250 pounds here on Earth is only 94.5 pounds on Mercury. I’m not fat — I’m just on the wrong planet.”

So in all sincerity, I hope you had a chuckle or two. I’ll leave you with a story I once heard about a boy who came home from school and announced there was a new girl in his class who was from India. 

“And does she speak English?” inquired the boy’s mother. 

“No, not yet,” the boy replied, “But that doesn’t matter because she laughs in English.”

Laughter does seem to work in any language. Happy New Year!

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